Mister Manners For Gays And Straights

An estimated 70,000 gay couples will marry in New York State next year. And by author Steven Petrow’s rough math, that means 5 million wedding guests altogether—many of them straight and puzzled over proper manners and etiquette when it comes to gay marriage.

The timing couldn’t have been better for “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life” to hit bookshelves this past May, the North Sea native said during a telephone interview last Monday. His aim for the book was to steer both straights and gays in the correct direction—not only down the wedding aisle, but through a sea of potentially awkward social scenarios in daily life.

“Culture is changing, and that includes everything from same-sex marriage in New York to more and more gay families having kids and the end of ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell,’” Mr. Petrow said. “The world is changing, and when it’s changing like that, people reach out for answers and manners books to help them maneuver through confusing, befuddling times.”

Mr. Petrow will kick off a series of East End bookstore visits, starting on Friday, August 12, at BookHampton in Sag Harbor. There he will be interviewed by local author Steven Gaines.

“We’ll have a really engaging conversation about the do’s and don’t’s around gay manners. But more about how not to mess up with gay friends for straight people,” Mr. Petrow said with a laugh. “We’ll talk about all those etiquette questions that make you crazy.”

It was Mr. Petrow’s intention to write his manual for both straights and gays, and his vision has been reflected in his discussion sessions around the country, he said. Attracting groups ranging in age from high schoolers to senior citizens, the crowd is usually 50 percent straight, 50 percent gay, he said, proving that the subject area transcends sexual orientation.

“I don’t think there have been any real books like this in the past, at all, and I don’t think there have been any books like this that are as smart and timely as this book is,” Mr. Gaines said during a telephone interview last Monday. “I think this book really came at the right moment.”

The manual’s 400-plus pages are divided into 13 chapters, fleshed out with advice compiled from Mr. Petrow’s column, “Queeries,” which is syndicated in more than two dozen newspapers and websites nationwide, and about 200 interviews with experts in the field, including lawyers, psychologists, teachers, wedding planners, florists and personal trainers. The author even posted a “Question of the Day” on his Facebook page during the three years he worked on the book, asking readers what they thought about various topics in order to feel the pulse of the community.

The result is a guide that covers a variety of topics, running the gamut from coming out and dating to starting a family and, ultimately, illness and grieving.

“It’s the kind of book you have a long relationship with,” Mr. Petrow said. “You’re not necessarily going to sit down and read this cover to cover. It’s about different milestones in one’s life, and in that way, it works womb-to-tomb. Over time.”

It’s the book’s ability to tackle uncharted territory and broach risky topics that drew Workman Publishing’s Editor-in-Chief, Susan Bolotin, into the project, she said.

“The main thing was that the other etiquette books on the market paid basically no attention—or in some cases, negative attention—to particular etiquette dilemmas of gay and lesbian people, and it just seemed to us that that was wrong,” Ms. Bolotin said during a telephone interview last week. “I think its largest significance is that it exists. People who are straight take it for granted. If you want a reference book on your shelf to help you navigate the shoals of modern life, it’s right there.

“The very fact that there was no such book for gays and lesbians was just a big hole,” she continued. “That hole has been filled.”

When it comes to sex etiquette, most manners books stop in their tracks at the bedroom door, Mr. Petrow reported. But not his.

“There’s a queasiness about what goes on beyond the closed door,” he said. “A lot of scenarios in sex etiquette are about respecting yourself, respecting your sexual partners, and there’s a lot of helpful information here—and a strong nod to the fact that the gay community is really responsible for the development of those practices for sexual manners and safe sex, following the epidemic of the ’80s. That’s really manners: protecting yourself, protecting others and talking about sexual history because it can be a matter of life and death.”

Language—or rather, knowing which words are acceptable—is also an essential ingredient to good manners, Mr. Petrow said. Don’t ignore rude language, speak up, he advised. Silence signals agreement to the jokester, he said.

“Also, should parents ask their kids if they’re gay or lesbian?” Mr. Petrow posed. “The answer is no, wait until told. When you have a child or teenager who tells you about it, what do you say? What do you do? Hopefully, you can say that you love them, even if you don’t fully understand.”

With the first same-sex couples legally tying the knot in New York just weeks ago, gay and lesbian weddings don’t have any guidelines to fall back on, Mr. Petrow said.

“Say you have two brides,” he said. “One may be in a full-blown ball gown and another in a beautiful pantsuit. With two grooms, they may both be in tuxedos or they may both be in kilts. There’s a lot of invention right now because there aren’t those traditions. It’s an exciting time for gays and lesbians to go through this period and establish new etiquette. But at the same time, it’s confusing for everyone to muddle through. That’s why I wrote this book.”

The wedding chapter—which took the most work and is in the most demand, Mr. Petrow said—will be released on Friday, August 26, as the e-book “Steven Petrow’s Gay and Lesbian Weddings and Commitment Ceremonies: A Quick and Practical Primer on Tying the Knot.”

It deals with wedding mechanics, such as proper wording for invitations, and social roadblocks (like homophobic relatives) and learning how to refer to a newly married couple.

“For straight people who get married, it’s easy: ‘husband and wife,’” Mr. Petrow said. “For gays and lesbians, there’s not that one standard yet. Some gay, male couples use ‘husband’ and ‘husband.’ Some lesbian couples use ‘wife’ and ‘wife.’ Some use ‘partner’ still, or ‘life partner.’ Sometimes ‘lover.’ The best thing for everyone to do is listen, to hear how a couple refers to each other. Pick up on that and use that, too.”

And when in doubt, just ask, he said.

“Some people get nervous, but when it’s well-intentioned and straightforward, it’s much better to ask than have a case of foot-in-mouth disease,” he said.

Mr. Petrow learned a lesson of his own during his youth spent here on the East End, he recalled. It was the late 1970s, and Mr. Petrow and his sister, Julie, often went out dancing at the gay club, The Attic, in Wainscott. One night, their parents somehow or other walked into the bar. The siblings, who were both gay but not out yet to their mom and dad, spotted them, panicked, and ran outside to hide. He was 20; she was 15.

“My sister yelled, ‘Mom and dad are here!’ We were hoping they didn’t see the family car that we had borrowed, which was no doubt parked out front,” Mr. Petrow chuckled. “Lesson learned there is they probably already knew we were gay, and it would have been a lot easier for us to have come out rather than hiding in the bushes, quaking.”

But even though times have changed dramatically, the East End is no exception when it comes to the social challenges that arise from same-sex marriage. On the first day of legal same-sex marriages in Southampton, a gaggle of protesters stood outside Town Hall with signs.

Mr. Petrow said he understands it can be hard to face the naysayers. He offered words of advice to anxious gay and lesbian couples.

“Take great comfort in knowing that the law is behind you and that our country thrives on dissent,” he said. “And don’t let a handful of protesters in any way ruin the happiest day of your life.”

And to those who don’t accept homosexuality, Mr. Petrow recommends trying to get to know a gay person first.

“They’ll see that we are sons and daughters, or fathers and mothers,” he said. “We’re plumbers, we’re politicians. They get a much more rounded picture of who we are, which helps to dispel a lot of stereotypes that people come up with. And that’s how stereotypes end, by getting to know real people. And real people are more complicated than stereotypes. It takes time.”

The former East Ender said he tries to get out to the Hamptons every summer to visit. He currently resides in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, where he continues to write his column.

“And happily playing the role of Mister Manners when I’m asked,” he chuckled. “And sometimes when I’m not.”

Steven Petrow will give a free talk about his book on Friday, August 12, at 8 p.m. at BookHampton in Sag Harbor, with a Q&A by Steven Gaines to follow. Call 725-8425 for details. Mr. Petrow will also appear at Author’s Night at the East Hampton Library on Saturday, August 13, at 5 p.m. For more information, call 324-0222. His final East End stop of the summer will be on Monday, August 15, at the Rogers Memorial Library in Southampton at 7 p.m. Admission is free. Call 283-0774 for details.