'Celebrity Autobiography' Speaks The Truth, Word For Word

When Susan Lucci smiled, took a deep breath and opened her mouth on stage at Guild Hall, it is safe to say no one in the audience expected a Czechoslovakian accent to come out.

“I wish I could take each of you for a cup of tea and we would sit together and work out our problems,” she said on Friday night at the East Hampton theater, replacing every “w” with a “v.” “Since I can’t, I wrote this book.”

The petite brunette, best known for her work on ABC’s “All My Children,” paused for thunderous laughter and continued, “There are obvious and very important differences in our lives. Yes, I live in a townhouse and spend my weekends in a country mansion. Yes, I travel by limousine, private jets or yacht. I can buy just about anything I want.”

This time, she paused for groans, before continuing to read word-for-word from “The Best Is Yet to Come: Coping with Divorce and Enjoying Life Again” by Ivana Trump. The theatrical embodiment of her ex, portrayed by writer Alan Zweibel, stood to her left.

In his hand was “Think Like a Champion: An Informal Education in Business and Life” by Donald Trump—one of the 300 memoirs, self-help and fitness books “Celebrity Autobiography” creator Eugene Pack and his team have scoured, searching for the best superstar material for actors to perform exactly as written.

“We are not making any of this up. And it’s going to be very hard to believe that,” Mr. Pack said. “Seriously, after every single show we do, no matter what I say, people come up to us, they ask if I wrote it, if we improvised it, if we made it up. But, seriously, we could not even make this stuff up if we tried to.”

The 80-minute show was chock full of celebrity advice, from Dolly Parton’s dieting pointers—“Wait a minute, you’re thinking, if I don’t swallow, won’t I have to spit it out? That’s disgusting!” co-creator Dayle Reyfel read from “Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business.” “That may be, but what’s more disgusting? Spitting out food, or being a LARD ASS?!”—to Tiger Woods’s golfing tips, as written in “How I Play Golf.”

“A good putting stroke requires smooth rhythm and a steady repeating pace,” Mr. Pack read, subtly thrusting his hips forward. “I’m talking about my pre-putt routine. The series of things that I do before I actually pull my trigger,” he paused, “with my putter,” he growled. “I get myself in the best frame of mind to stroke my putt.”

Another point of pride is often “letting readers in,” the authors write, which ranges from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s thoughts on his body’s perfection, to Joe Namath’s hair complex, to Beyoncé’s occasional breakout, and to the never-ending bevy of information compiled in “Kardashian Konfidential” written by all three sisters: Kim, acted by Ms. Lucci; Kourtney, portrayed by Debbie Harry of “Blondie” fame; and Khloé by model Christie Brinkley, Valley Girl accent and all.

“At the age of 11, we were being waxed,” Ms. Lucci read, point-blank.

“Not everyone waxes their arms or their underarms, but your bikini, I believe, should always be waxed,” Ms. Harry said.

“I, literally, started doing my own waxing at home,” Ms. Brinkley said. “I bought myself a wax kit and started doing my friends. If they had a boyfriend in town and needed a quick fix, I was the go-to wax person. I got to where I could do a bikini wax on myself in 10 minutes.”

The girls went on to discuss their “obsessions.” For Kim, it’s light-colored robes; dark robes make her feel dirty, she wrote. For Kourtney, it’s Starbucks. And for Khloé, it’s steel-cut oatmeal with light soy milk.

“What does that mean, steel-cut?” Ms. Harry asked as Kourtney.

“They’re the real ones, not instant,” Ms. Brinkley snapped back. “They’re better for you.”

“Kourt, how much do you get paid every time you say something about them?” Ms. Harry quipped.

“Hey Khloé,” Ms. Lucci said, changing the subject. “Did you ever give me back my black tank top? My black Alexander Wang T-shirt?”

“I gave it back to you forever ago,” Ms. Harry said. “I dry-cleaned it and gave it back to you on my hotel hanger.”

“I never got it,” Ms. Lucci said.

To their credit, the three women never once broke character. The same cannot be said of Mr. Zweibel, who glanced out to the audience, baffled, after nearly every passage by Mr. Namath, Mr. Trump and Kirk Douglas, who discussed, in great detail, his hobby of checking out beautiful women in synagogue.

“‘Psst, Rabbi, who is that?’” Mr. Douglas recalled asking one day, as read by Mr. Zweibel. “His eyes widened. ‘Don’t you know her? That’s Michelle Pfeiffer.’ Boy, it certainly increased my desire to go to the synagogue more often. Maybe Michelle will convert to Judaism. What a boost that would be for the Jews.”

“I didn’t want to be accused of ogling every sexy girl I see, although I must admit that I do,” Mr. Zweibel—as Mr. Douglas—continued. “Of course, in an orthodox synagogue, men and women are seated separately to prevent just this kind of thing.”

Mr. Zweibel tossed up his hands, a gesture of defeat, with a smirk.

“I’m a writer. So the range of my acting is me,” he said backstage, following the show. “The best I can do is editorialize a little bit with my eyebrows, or a look, or a hand gesture. The people who write these books, it’s so indulgent. Like we give a shit about what they eat. It’s just absurd.

“And, oh God, the Hamptons is the perfect place for it, where you’re just so conscious of how you look and who you are.”

The epitome were the Trumps, he said.

“All my kids play tennis and ski beautifully,” Ms. Lucci read from Ms. Trump’s memoir. “At the age of 2, I took each of them to the top of the hill and I told them, ‘Ski down.’ They would wail, ‘I don’t like it.’ ‘Tough, hunny,’ I’d tell them. ‘Get to the bottom of the mountain.’

“Donny and Ivanka weren’t too bad, but Eric, he would cry for hours and hours at a time. I’d give him to the ski instructor and say, ‘Don’t worry if he cries, he’ll get over it. He’s got to learn.’ Today, all my kids love to ski. We are skiing family.”

“The best shampoo is Head and Shoulders,” Mr. Zweibel interjected from Mr. Trump’s memoir.

“My kids have every pet there is, except cats,” Ms. Lucci continued from Ms. Trump’s book. “Cats shed. And they’re unpredictable and they scratch. We have two dogs, fish, birds in every room, turtles. You name it, we’ve got it. I find it so funny that children adore hamsters. They’re rodents, that’s what they are.”

“The best ice cream? Cherry Vanilla by Häagen-Dazs is by far my favorite flavor, and I’ve tried a lot of them,” Mr. Zweibel read. “When I open my own ice cream parlor in Trump Tower, maybe we’ll give Häagen-Dazs a run for its money.”

“Family is everything to me. As you probably can tell, I adore my kids,” Ms. Lucci read, sharing a look with Mr. Zweibel. “I always say I’m like the American Express commercial. I never leave home without them.”

“I make a habit of traveling only to places with amenities like running water,” Mr. Trump said, via Mr. Zweibel. “Why try and climb Mt. Everest when you can see it perfectly well on television, or in a book? I always say, Don’t challenge nature because ultimately nature will win. You’re far more better off in a hotel.”