Parrish Gets ‘Mortified’

Most everyone has an abundance of embarrassing stories from younger years. In some cases, friends and family are privy to only filtered, amended versions of the whole truth. But there is one outlet that is usually a document of our dirtiest secrets: a diary.

“Mortified”—a storytelling performance by everyday people who share their childhood writings, art, poems and songs in front of an audience of complete strangers—puts those locked-away diary entries to use, and turns them into a hysterical 90-minute show.

With performances across the globe—from Manhattan, San Francisco and Chicago to Dublin, Amsterdam and Paris—“Mortified” made its debut in the Hamptons on Saturday evening in the Lichtenstein Theatre at the Parrish Art Museum in Water Mill. Five performers, including Andrea Grover, the special projects curator at the Parrish, read hilarious entries from their own childhood diaries, word for word. No exceptions.

In addition to Ms. Grover, four “Mortified NYC” performers—Dani Alpert, Stephen Chupaska, Karen Bray and Lauren Lumsden—also crossed all preconceived boundaries in the funniest of ways, covering anything and everything: “first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with Mom, life at Bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and reasons they deserved to marry Jon Bon Jovi,” according to the “Mortified” website.

Ms. Lumsden, who was clearly a fount of wisdom in high school, suggested in her diary that “if Baptists listened to Melissa Etheridge, then gay-bashing would disappear.”

“If people in Iraq listened to the Carpenters and shit like that, they’d be, like, ‘Why the hell are we fighting?’” she continued.

She recalled another story from early on in puberty. “I did use a tampon for the first time today,” she said. “It took me so long to insert that absorption device. I had to lie down to put it in. What am I going to do if I had to put it in in a bathroom somewhere?”

She paused for the roaring laughter to subside. “Will I have to stretch out across three stalls? Well, I guess lying down to insert those things isn’t so bad. I mean, I’ll likely be lying down when I insert other certain things of that nature, if you get my drift.”

Ms. Bray, a seasoned “Mortified NYC” performer, read from her teenage journal about her summer job at Six Flags Great Adventure. While performing in the amusement park’s stunt show, “Lethal Weapon,” she met several men in their mid-20s who all took a liking to her—a mere 17-year-old girl at the time.

“It was very sad, because I had to say goodbye to all of my potential sex offender friends, but I think ‘Lethal Weapon’ is still going on,” she said. “So, if you see 50-year-old Chris, tell him I say hi.”