Top Five Estates West Of The Canal

We’re nothing if not experts at ogling large estates and giving unsolicited feedback on them. But sometimes we forget that these pricey properties are perched on plots west of the canal. We like to think of it as being charmingly elitist … in a way that can only be described as obnoxious. With this in mind, we chose a handful of these fine westerly residences just waiting for our unique and uninvited input.

Well, well, well, what do we have here? OK, clearly it’s a bright, modern home; we just felt like saying that. Boasting 10,000 square feet, this oceanfront abode has eight bedrooms, 10.5 baths, a pool, tennis court and access to the beach. Set in Quogue, the estate has also been analyzed by a Feng Shui expert who was brought in to help arrange living spaces to bring luck and positive energy to the house, according to the listing. [Insert eye roll here.] Not to be a negative Nancy, but this is going a bit overboard, even for The Hamptons.

Meet a stately 11,127-square-foot manse in East Quogue with all the bells and the whistles. In addition to 10 bedrooms and 12 baths, it has a gym, movie theater, billiards room, saltwater pool and a sunken tennis court. We also like the detail work, like the hand-crafted woodwork in the ceilings and Venetian plaster walls. Plus, there’s cedar closets, keeping a certain pesky insect away. We’re talking to you, moths! You stupid cloth-eating, lightbulb-hitting bugs. This estate is also oceanfront with direct access to the beach, which basically seals the deal for us. We’ll take one of this estate. Please and thank you.

It’s not too often you see an arts & crafts style mansion out here anymore, but behold: one grand old estate built in 1909! We like to give props to old-timey houses, namely because they’re on the endangered species list. Perched on the dunes in Westhampton Beach is this classic with the whole kit and caboodle: stone masonry, screened porches, original beam ceilings, wood paneling, and molding. There’s also a porte-cochère—that’s just a chichi way of saying a porch that cars park under to dispatch passengers.

Westhampton Beach seems to have no shortage of grand estates—here’s one that rivals all the others, what with its long driveway lined with 44 century-old Catalpa trees, huge water frontage and almost seven acres. Big deal. We have a bird feeder that is squirrel proof. So there. This old-timer is pretty cool though, as it was designed in 1903 for coal baron William Atwater. At 16,000 square feet, there’s a banquet-sized formal dining room with hand-painted murals, a third-floor living room, and the most elegant billiards room we’ve ever seen. Whoever owns this house better be a pool shark, though. Otherwise, just convert the room into something else to avoid the inevitable shame that will come with amateur playing in a baller billiards room that you own.

We’re going to end with a faaahncy 7-acre estate in Remsenburg. We’re talking Zen paths, vegetable gardens, a heated saltwater pool, pool house with a fitness room and sauna, guest house, tennis court, boathouse, and of course, water frontage. You know, the works. The main 9,400-square-foot house has nine bedrooms, 9.5 baths, a library—and an elevator. This abode is the real McCoy, and we could easily see ourselves living here. So, we’ll take one of these, too. Just put it on our Amex.