Well, we finally did it. After years of refusing to give in to the Cablevision Empire, and its many ploys and gimmicks to get us to “make the switch,” my wife and I finally splurged and upgraded.
No, no “high-def” televisions with surround sound here. And, no, we’re not upgrading to a 60-inch, wall-mounted plasma unit anytime soon (because my wife says so). We simply ordered iO.
Actually, we really did not have a choice. After many failed attempts to get us to switch from basic cable, the television gods finally hit us where it hurts by disconnecting four of the eight channels that we actually watch. About six weeks ago we received a letter notifying us that the powers-that-be would no longer be able to provide us basic cable subscribers with A&E, Animal Planet, Sci-Fi Channel and E!
For those unfamiliar with such an archaic system, basic cable still comes with more than 70 channels, including the major networks and the all-important SNY and YES Network. The system is powered by a single line of cable that runs from the wall and into the back of the television set.
Technology nerds view it as one step above aluminum foil attached to a wire hanger. But we were fine with it. We were content because we were still able to watch our favorite shows—there are not too many of them these days—whenever we found ourselves at home with nothing to do.
And now this. Naturally, we smelled conspiracy.
With some skepticism and a lot of suspicion, we decided to play the waiting game to see if Cablevision was bluffing. The company wasn’t bluffing, and after being greeted by black screens on what used to be four of our favorite remote control destinations, we placed the call and waited for the cable guy to arrive.
It took just 40 minutes. With a few snips and one cable box (we refused to subject both of our TVs to iO), we were introduced to an exciting new world that boasts hundreds of channels. And just as we suspected, there wasn’t too much that we were missing.
One of my first “tests” was to pick a channel I never heard of and determine if it contained any value. My first stop was Channel 191. Personally, I do not know how I survived for this long without access to the Hallmark Channel.
Over the course of a few hours—I confess, I couldn’t keep myself from straying—I managed to catch more than my fill of “Walker, Texas Ranger” reruns. And after catching a few minutes of “Little House on the Prairie” and “Murder She Wrote,” I decided to call it a night. For me, that usually means falling asleep with SportsCenter playing in the background.
For the record, we spent five years fighting the iO giant not because we are cheap—okay, not just because of that—but also to protest the amount of crap that now qualifies as television. We’re not interested in watching anorexic girls eating pickled rhinoceros feet, or wannabe chefs stabbing each other in the back while making the perfect soufflé. We don’t care who the mole is.
But that no longer matters, I suppose. We now have hundreds of new channels to choose from yet, with far too much regularity, we find ourselves with nothing to watch—and now we’re paying more for the same privilege.
I think “The Boss” best summarized the watering down of the television networks when he penned “57 Channels (And Nothin’ On)” in 1992:
“So I bought a .44 magnum, it was solid steel cast
And in the blessed name of Elvis, I just let is blast
‘Til my TV lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbin’ the almighty peace
Judge said: ‘What you got in your defense, son?’
‘Fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on’”
Plug in the number “seven hundred” before the “fifty-seven,” and Bruce’s words still ring true today.
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Frank S. Costanza is the editor of The Southampton Press Western Edition.
