The Express News Group had a chance to catch up with Santa Claus during his recent pre-Christmas sweep through the Northeast. Our good little editors and reporters had questions they wanted to ask the big man in red. To their delight, he answered them.
Q: What are your favorite cookies?
I have never met a cookie I didn’t like. I have a special weakness for homemade pfeffernüsse.
Please note that the tradition of leaving cookies for Santa Claus is uniquely North American. In England, the good folks leave me a glass of sherry. That works, too. Better, a little of each. Santa is open.
Just this week, a woman in the Hamptons, a tony redoubt on Long Island, shared with Santa that she was serving a pescatarian dinner for 20, with lobster tails and stuffed clams. Santa pointed out that a lobster tail with a plate of stuffed clams would be an acceptable substitute for cookies.
Santa contains multitudes.
Q: How do you deliver toys when there’s no snow?
Snow has never been necessary. I’ve been delivering toys to Brazil for generations. The sleigh has runners for snow, but its wheels come out as needed. Mainly, though, we fly.
Q: Do you believe that kids today are more materialistic than they used to be?
No. Kids have always wanted toys. Some want as many as they can get their hands on. Others focus on one special one.
I have fond memories of the glass and clay marbles that were all the rage in 5th century Asia Minor. So many unique and beautiful colors. The kids loved them and spent hours playing with them. Back then, they had an attention span that lasted centuries.
We did use some of the same designs in 1930s Brooklyn.
Q: What’s the sweetest request you’ve ever gotten?
The sweetest requests are always those where kids show their love and kindness to others. And especially to others who really need Santa’s care.
I have so many. Just this week, a little girl asked Santa to send her daddy home — he was away in the military — so her mommy would have her daddy to hug at night.
Then last night there was the boy who asked for a motorized wheelchair for his older brother.
Every week, I hear another sweet child who is thinking of others. It gives me hope.
Q: Is there such a thing as a bad child?
No. All children are good — but all sometimes behave badly.
Q: Do you really give lumps of coal? You’d think there’d be a replacement, given that no one under 50 knows what it is anymore, and the fact we are transitioning to clean energy.
Um, coal was an enormous treat, never a punishment! Winter homes needed heat. Now, folks seem to be asking for cobalt, lithium, cadmium. You have to be a really good boy to get those. Or have some shady contacts in Kinshasa.
Q: Have you ever run into Krampus out there?
Yes, once. On a snowy road outside a town called Grindenwald in Switzerland. Normally we wouldn’t cross paths, but I was having some sleigh trouble.
He was hiking down the mountain as I was slogging up. I thought he was just some lost troll till I saw the size of his horns — which are magnificent.
He was quite kind, helped with directions. He knows that region well, barely leaves the Alps. I trust that he satisfies some Germanic desire for order and discipline. I don’t get involved.
Q: How has Mrs. Claus’s role changed over the last 100 years? How does she feel about having you underfoot 364 days of the year?
Mrs. Claus (we say “Ms. Claus” these days) is one of the kindest and most energetic people you’d ever want to know. Christmas, dear questioner, is a year-round project, and I could never do it without my good woman. She does the planning, strategizing, logistics and product management. I just drive the sleigh and humor the reindeer.
And I interact with the kids. She has no patience with kids.
Q: Labor shortages are affecting lots of businesses down here. Does this sort of thing affect worker elves? What about North Pole labor strikes and unions?
The Elves, like the Clauses, are magic spirit creatures. We all derive total and perfect pleasure from bringing joy to our human companions. No compensation needed, thank you.
Q: How do the elves keep up with the amazing advances in technology? How have supply chain issues affected your ability to obtain raw materials?
We follow the human trend in desires. We have always been capable of producing anything (see “magic,” above) but only respond to the desires of the human children at any given point in time. We don’t get ahead of ourselves. We don’t want to cause trouble, only bring joy.
Q: What happens to all the waste that is produced during the toy making process? Do you recycle? What about microplastics?
We waste not and want not. I have never heard of a microplastic, except the teensy-weensy olives and pickled onions that we place in the cocktails of the Barbie Malibu dollhouse.
Q: How is climate change affecting the North Pole?
It’s a bit of an exaggeration that we reside at the North Pole. We are magical, migratory creatures who prefer cooler climes that reflect our clothing and traditions. Plus, the reindeer prefer it.
We have an adorable cottage in Drøbak, Norway, a high-end workshop outside Uummannaq in Greenland, and a spectacular spread with a reindeer ranch near Korvatunturi, Finland. We use the North Pole as a tracking and relay center for the various sleigh flights. We have no relation to the eponymous town called “North Pole,” outside Fairbanks, Alaska, although the folks there are very kind and make delicious carrot soup.
So far, all our lairs remain cool enough in winter, but Santa, like all Earth creatures, will have to adjust. We will leave it up to the humans to sort it out. We are magical (see above). But we are not gods.
Q: How do you manage to cover the world in a single night?
Santa is one, but his manifestations are many.
Q: Santa is largely perceived as a symbol of Christianity here in the U.S., but do you deliver presents to children of other faiths as well?
If children believe in me, I appear. I communicate as needed. I am magic.
Q: What kind of treats do the reindeer eat — and what, exactly, are the “reindeer games” that they play? (The ones they wouldn’t let Rudolph join in?)
The reindeer are vegetarian and love carrots. Keep leaving those carrots. Even carrot soup or carrot puree is welcome. If we don’t have carrots, they eat a mixed diet of lichen, mosses, ferns and shoots of the birch tree. You can leave those, too, if you’d like.
Their favorite games are antler ring toss, sleigh relay, and a caribou version of Quidditch that they call Tuktu Tak. They fly, remember.
Q: Did they ever formally apologize for bullying Rudolph?
No. No apology needed. The reindeer are evolved creatures.
Q: What do you think of ad campaigns that have actors or models playing a new, slimmed down Santa? Do you ever consider dieting, or would that ruin your jolly old elf image?
Santa contains multitudes. Slim and skinny Santas are most welcome. As long as the kids believe in them. I am keeping my belly that jiggles like a bowlful of jelly when I laugh. Madame Claus likes it, and she has final say.
Q: How will you spend December 26 this year? Any plans to take your long winter’s nap down in Florida?
Florida!? We have a lovely casita on a discreet island in the South Pacific. You’ll have to stop by sometime.
Staff Writer on Sep 30, 2020