By Joseph Shaw
There’s only one way to beat COVID-19, and that’s mass vaccination.
Unfortunately, the folks in charge of making that happen in New York State have created a system with all the simplicity, convenience and fairness of buying Bruce Springsteen tickets for the “Born in the USA” tour, circa 1985.
Well, I got tickets for that show, at the Civic Arena in Pittsburgh — front row, in fact, though off to the side, in front of the enormous bank of speakers needed at an arena show in those days. Lost my hearing for four days. Still, Bruce climbed up on the speakers during a guitar solo and sweat right on me, so …
I digress. My point: I have experience at this kind of thing. Successful experience.
I spent Sunday hunting a vaccine appointment. It was the first day I was eligible, thanks to a series of chronic conditions that have never felt like something in my favor before. Nevertheless, I dutifully took my place on the couch, and set to work on my iPad.
And I got one. But it wasn’t easy.
Here’s my pro advice to getting an appointment through the New York State portal, which appears to have been designed, coincidentally, by a computer programmer from 1985 as well. (I kept waiting to read: “You have died of dysentery.”)
• I’m told some people have had luck, as recently as Monday, getting March appointments at the closest major distribution site operated by the state, at Stony Brook University, by calling the state hotline, 1-833-NYS-4VAX. I can’t vouch for this, but it might be the better option for the less tech savvy. It seems to work.
• If you’re using a computer or smart device, start by googling “Am I Eligible New York.” That will give you the state’s website for setting up appointments at the major distribution sites, the closest being Stony Brook. Follow through to confirm you’re eligible. Don’t lie — I have a feeling that can end up being a very bad idea if they catch you.
• If you qualify, you’ll get an opportunity to pick a site: Stony Brook, Jones Beach, Aqueduct, Westchester County Center and the Javits Center all being in play for anyone willing to drive a bit. If it says appointments are available at the site, click on the link. Pro tip: You can open multiple tabs and search for appointments at multiple sites simultaneously — but not the same site more than once. It will nix that.
• If it says appointments are available on that first screen, from here on, be skeptical every time you see “there are no appointments.” Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes it just means you haven’t timed it out perfectly … yet. Hit “refresh” or “reload” over and over till you get in. Pro tip: The screen has a shaded box that says “no appointments available” — till you hit it perfectly at the right time, when that box disappears.
• That’s when you might well find yourself in a one-hour “virtual line.” For the love of God, don’t close your browser! Don’t let your machine sleep! Just understand that the next hour of your life belongs to that screen, because it can (and will) give you a chance to click through at some point within an hour, sometimes less. Be ready.
• The first kick in the gut: You might click through and find no appointments available. You just wasted an hour. It happens. Get back in line or pick another location.
• If you DO get through — this is where the pro tip gets important: Everyone will jump on the first available day. Scroll down and pick a later day, where there are numerous appointments available. Get one locked up ASAP and begin the process of registering.
• If you click a date and there are no appointment times showing, DO NOT QUIT. Hit the “previous” or “back” button at the bottom, and go back and listen to my earlier tip: Pick a later date, which won’t yet be completely swamped like a Titanic lifeboat.
• Have your insurance card ready. Be ready to wrestle with the birth date box if you have an iPad — it’s not intuitive. Pro tip: Just skip every single box labeled “optional.” Don’t waste your time, and don’t take the chance that an entry in one of those boxes will lock up the screen, as happened to me, at which point … back of the line, sir.
• Remember that you’ll be traveling to that vaccination site twice — your second dose will be administered exactly three weeks later at the same site. Pro tip: Don’t schedule more than one appointment, as a backup plan, at different sites — they will figure it out and send you an email canceling one later. I, uh … have this on good authority.
Your best bet is to plan out a couple of hours — sorry, it’s true — and bring a lot of patience, and fortitude. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees, either here or with The Boss in 1985.
But I’m living proof that, in both cases — as with another state venture you might be familiar with — there’s a perfect saying: “Hey, you never know.”
Now, on to try to find an Xbox Series X …
Joseph Shaw is executive editor of the Express News Group.
