By Edward Adler
As America enters its seventh month of our dystopian existence living with coronavirus, denial is the one response that cuts across all demographics, races, income levels and geographies. Most Americans seem to be in denial about the effects of the virus on their day-to-day lives and its unknown impact on the future.
In addition to the physical effects of COVID-19, many are living through a mental health pandemic, suffering from psychological problems and distress ranging from fear and anxiety to depression, loneliness and despair.
Even someone as privileged as Michelle Obama said that she is suffering from low-grade depression dealing with the effects of the quarantine, as well as racial unrest.
In the United States, people are suffering with more mental health consequences than those in other countries, according to the Commonwealth Fund. Google reports that Americans are searching in record numbers for therapists to help cope with the psychological toll of the pandemic.
We are changing our sleep and eating patterns or abusing alcohol trying not to stress out over the state of the world. The pandemic has also caused a spike in overdose deaths from heroin and other drugs. Society is avoiding the reality of what is happening — it is hard for many to accept the world has, in fact, changed.
I am not immune. I am a native of New York’s comfortable Upper East Side and a Hamptons homeowner for 35 years; people sometimes classify me as driven and neurotic. I’m also hoping for a quick end to this depressing state of affairs and have found it difficult to sleep while obsessively consuming COVID news across all media. Even my appetite has been suppressed — I’ve lost 17 pounds that I didn’t need to lose.
My adult son and daughter accuse me of being dour and unappreciative of what I have and urge me to compare myself to those who are suffering greatly in the pandemic. You are lucky, they say. You have a lovely home. You have your health. You still have a job. You are surrounded by family.
Of course, they are right — but I still often find myself in my own state of denial that this shutdown represents my current life.
Shelia Hoffman, a Manhattan psychologist whose practice is thriving through FaceTime sessions with clients, says, “People fall into denial because it makes them feel better. It is hard to accept the reality that our life will be altered for months or years.”
She adds, “Usually, people have many distractions in their lives, but now they are feeling much more isolated, and this tends to give them time to focus on the negatives. There is too much time for people be self-absorbed.”
Josh Potter, who practices family medicine on Shelter Island and works at Stony Brook Southampton Hospital, says, “Human beings are creatures of expectations.” Dr. Potter tells his patients that they must live with uncertainty.
“The presence of the virus is causing stress, anxiety and depression in my young and old patients who have never experienced these issues before,” he adds. “If people accept the reality of the current situation and wear masks, and distance, they can co-exist with the virus. Ironically, if they deny what is happening and expect change is coming soon, they will contribute to making everything worse, and this will last longer.”
Dr. Potter said that even his gregarious 10-year-old daughter, Lily, asked him when this will be over and when she will see be able to see her friends again.
He explained to her that these are tough times and we must deal with the uncertainty. He told her that, during World War II, Londoners had to hide away for months in bomb shelters or decamp to the countryside, isolated for months. He told Lily to appreciate that she can go to the beach, talk to friends on Zoom and watch movies on Netflix. He told her to embrace the good and try to live for the moment.
Human nature is naturally hopeful. As such, we convince ourselves into believing our lives will soon be back to normal.
We should accept the sad truth that COVID-19 is not vanishing quickly and try to accept our present hand of cards. We should stop waiting to return to life as we knew it prior to the onset of the virus and its spread earlier this year. The world has changed, and we must accept that in order to move forward.
Denial can be a suitable defense in giving us time to adjust to distressing situations. Yet, gradually, it inhibits our ability to accept the situation and the challenges that we need to overcome.
Many people assume that because they haven’t been infected, they deserve to know when they can resume their pre-COVID lives — it becomes a constant theme in conversation and thought. It’s almost as if time stood still in early March, and soon we will be back to the future.
A prophetic ad for an insurance company uses the tagline: “These days nothing is normal, and everything is weird.” How true.
But denial is a powerful force. Many couples are still planning big weddings that probably won’t be allowed to happen soon. Sending kids back in school is difficult, complicated and dangerous. Companies keep moving back the timelines for allowing staffs to return to the workplace, pushing plans further into 2021 and beyond. No one really knows when, or if, teams will be back in an office. Employees keep asking bosses for clarity on when they will return to their usual workplace.
There is no clarity. Stop asking — the bosses don’t know.
Lately, I’m trying to live more in the here and now. I’ve started a vegetable garden and am growing zucchini, lettuce, tomatoes and basil. I’m looking up recipes to cook with my bounty.
I’m taking long walks before and after my endless Zoom calls to appreciate the beauty of nature more. Occasionally, I enjoy the solitude of fishing and kayaking.
I’m trying to show gratitude being around my wife and my children and their significant others. I’m focusing on the realization that having this much time together is a blessing. I’m fixing things around the house and learning to do more myself. I’m looking for even more ways to find peace and accept that, for now, I am lucky.
I know that trying to predict the future beyond the pandemic is a difficult exercise. A vaccine may come soon to save us, but it may not prevent continued spread and mutation of the virus into a permanent fact of global life. It is painful to accept the current state of our depressed economy with such massive unemployment and so many layoffs and bankruptcies announced weekly.
We have had several months to process the fact that coronavirus may with us for a long time; if we learn to live with that truth, we can move forward by accepting the protocols that will help us live our lives in a happier and safer manner. It can blunt the impact on our health and, eventually, the economy as well.
I urge people to speak honestly on how they are dealing with stress and anxiety. Honest conversations with those we are close to can help us deal with the trauma we are all experiencing.
Dealing with the current reality in a more accepting way can help us fight the effects of the virus and make us feel saner.
I, for one, am trying.
Edward Adler, a resident of Southampton and New York City, is a partner in Finsbury, a global strategic communications firm.
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