VIEWPOINT: Self-Care Isn’t Selfish, It’s Essential

By Zoë Kobrin

The unprecedented stress of navigating COVID-19 while, at the same time, parenting through a pandemic — and all that entailed — has left parents and caregivers reeling.

In order to stay both physically and emotionally healthy, our own self-care is critical. And it can be easier than you might think — it doesn’t need to cost a penny or take more than five minutes a day.

The following strategies are designed to guide you in getting started:

Put on your own “oxygen mask” first. This instruction we’re given to survive in the event of a plane crash is also a metaphor for self-care. In order to be able to take care of others, we first must take care of ourselves.

A great question to continuously ask yourself is, “What form of ‘oxygen’ do I need right now?” What would be most helpful? Something to eat? A quick nap? Just a few moments of quiet? Identifying what you need is one of the best things you can do for yourself — and what’s good for you is ultimately good for your loved ones.

Proactively manage stress. The “volume” on the body’s stress response is turned up very high for most of us these days, and when the hormones produced in relation to stress are constantly being produced, both physical and emotional well-being suffer.

In order to mitigate the effects, it’s crucial that we take steps to relax each day. The following are just suggestions; it’s important to pick things you enjoy and that you’re willing and able to do:

• Deep breathing, mini-mindfulness techniques.

• Progressive relaxation or visualization.

• Listening to music, singing, dancing.

• Engaging in physical activity (formal or informal exercise).

• Laughing, doing something just for fun.

• Being in nature — bird watching or watching other animals (in person or onscreen), hiking, biking, gardening, or simply sitting and taking it in.

• Limiting exposure to social media.

• Authentically connecting with supportive people in your life.

Purge the idea of “perfect.” Whether it’s trying to be perfect or do things perfectly, there’s really no such thing. When we embrace this idea of perfect imperfection, it frees us tremendously.

This doesn’t mean doing a poor job, but, rather, realizing that doing something is better than doing nothing. Maybe in that unrealistic “perfect” world you would exercise for an hour each day. Since we know that place doesn’t exist, ask yourself what you can realistically do.

Oftentimes, we don’t bother doing just five to 10 minutes of something because we think it won’t make a difference. But it does! Not only does it add up, it helps you build lasting habits. Never underestimate the power of doing even a little bit — a little is so much better than none!

Edit your internal dialogue (and sensor your critic). Thoughts directly impact our feelings, so what we say to ourselves matters greatly. Oftentimes, the situation itself isn’t as bad as what we are saying to ourselves about it — or what we are saying to ourselves about ourselves.

Having negative thoughts is part of being human, but when we let them go unchecked they can really get in the way.

Try tuning in to your thoughts and just noticing them, without judgment. Then, practice challenging them by looking at your situation from other vantage points. For example, “Would I say this to a friend? What about this situation is within my power to change? Where is there an opportunity for learning or growth? What might someone else think about this situation? What’s possible here?” Work on noticing, challenging, and reframing your thoughts, practicing self-compassion.

Detach from devices. The human brain was not designed for this type of constant connection. In addition to sensory overload, we are highly susceptible to feelings of anxiety and depression related to social media use.

In addition to giving us an unrealistic view of others’ lives and increasing the tendency to “compare and despair,” social media platforms don’t allow us to have the authentic conversations and sense of connecting on a deeper level that we need in order to thrive.

Let yourself regularly disconnect from your devices in order to have meaningful connections with others, and with yourself.

Eat for immunity. Add more health-boosting foods to your daily diet, such as fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes and nuts/seeds. These foods are packed with antioxidants that help protect you from disease and give you lasting energy.

Don’t worry about eating “perfectly” — just try to add more of these whole, plant foods to your day, where and when you can. Want help getting started? Check out the Wellness Foundation’s Jumpstart 360 program at wfeh.org.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. We know it’s hard to get enough, especially as a parent. But emotional and physical health depends on it. Try to get more when you can. If you’re having trouble, some tips that may help can be found at healthysleep.med.harvard.edu.

Make more moves. Don’t worry about “formal” exercise — just try to get up and moving more to raise your heart rate. This could mean putting on fun music and dancing with your kids, walking around instead of sitting while on the phone … it all counts. In addition to aerobic activity, try to include some weight-bearing exercises as well.

Schedule self-care. It might sound silly, but if we don’t make a time and space for self-care in the day, it tends to get pushed to the side. Schedule it — even if it’s three minutes — and honor that appointment with yourself as you would any other.

Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Repeat that. And maybe post a reminder (or a few!) that you’ll see regularly.

Remember … you’re building new habits, and that takes time — and usually some backward and forward, trial and error. The path to a goal is rarely a straight line. Use the times you get off track as learning opportunities: Ask yourself, “What got in the way of my self-care? How can I navigate that challenge going forward?”

Keep checking in, practicing patience and self-compassion.

Zoë Kobrin, LMSW, ACC, is a wellness coach with the Wellness Foundation of Sag Harbor. You can learn more about Zoë’s work at beyondtheplatewellness.com.

She will discuss self-care tips as part of a virtual discussion series sponsored by the organization Learning Tips on February 11 at 6 p.m. More information is available via the organization, whose instagram handle is @enlightened_tutors.